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Roses smell like old people and violets make me sneeze….

I really hate television.  Even so, my slightly better half loves it.  This can be an awkward dichotomy but we somehow compromise and make it work.  This usually involves me going to read in the bathtub or putting in my earbuds to listen to music or, more likely, ruining it for him by bitching about every stupid thing they say or do.  There are a few shows, like The Mick, that I truly enjoy.  But, for the most part, tv makes my ass hurt.

But last night, I somehow wound up halfway watching an episode of New Girl with the hub.  By the way, if you ever find yourself yearning to plunge a railroad spike into your ears repeatedly and need some inspiration…listen to the opening theme of New Girl.  Omg.

So, this Jess girl and her roommate/boyfriend, Nick, break up.   And it’s pretty clear why.  Somewhere in the argument they have, Jess tells Nick that she just wishes he could be more responsible.

Not cool, bitch.

The whole fucking show is decidedly not cool but come on.  Let’s talk about this ‘I just wish….’ scenario with regard to relationships, ok?  It’s common with young people, who still believe the world was created to mold itself to their own, personal desires, to hook up with the first hot freebie, or just the first anything that comes along and shows interest.

Don’t worry…no judgement.  I did it, too.  Believe it or not, I was young and sparkly-eyed once.  That’s over and good riddance, weirdos.  I needed my ass kicked, and got it, for making other human beings into a kind of renovation project, and myself into project manager.  But Jeez Louise…you see it everywhere and I’m here to tell you, you’re DOOMED if this is taking place in your relationship.  Believe me when I say, you were not put here to change anyone except yourself, friends.  The sooner you start focusing on what is wrong with you, the sooner you’re going to find happiness.

If I could tell you one thing, just one, that would virtually guarantee success in a relationship…make absolutely certain that the person you choose to be with is exactly what you would choose for them to be from the moment you meet them.

It’s really as simple as that.  What makes this difficult for young people is that they have no clue yet what it is that they really want.  They don’t even know themselves most of the time.  Young people are still developing and growing and learning.  It’s like trying to buy clothes for a toddler…they outgrow that shit in 15 minutes, yo.  I’ll be honest with you.  At the age of 51, I feel like I could never have been the girl that I was at the age of 25.  That time and that girl feel like dreams that I can only vaguely recall now and then.

That girl was a white hot bitch, people.  That girl thought that everyone existed for her benefit.  That girl thought she had a good bead on what was wrong with other people and what they needed to change about themselves.  That girl never spent two hot minutes looking in a mirror except to admire her own superiority…and it took tortures and sufferings, rejections and abandonments, loneliness and shame…and finally acceptance…to get it through my thick, fucking skull that other people have the right to be exactly who they were created to be.  And the bright side of this whole painful epiphany?  You have the right to be exactly who you were created to be as well.  But first, you have to focus on yourself and what needs to be upgraded before you start saying ‘this is who I am and I’m not changing’.  Hell no.  Change yourself.  Be forever open to change because within the acceptance of change, there is a mysterious gift awaiting.

When I met the hubs, it was epic.  I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on him.  I’d always dated people that I thought my dad would approve of.  Lol.  Neat haircut, neat appearance, traditional values.  And I couldn’t stand them.  Hubs was totally different.  He had long, wavy, dark hair, a goatee, earrings and tattoos.  Annnnnd….he was 6’3″ and dark-skinned and rode a Harley.  It wasn’t love at first sight but lust was absolutely involved.  Our relationship almost didn’t happen, honestly.  In spite of his formidable appearance, my babe is sweet and gentle and attentive and caring…all characteristics that I associated with ‘clinginess’.  I still remember that he tried calling me every day in the beginning and I’d see his number come up on caller ID and I’d think ‘why the fuck is he calling me AGAIN?  I just talked to him yesterday!’  And I’d just let the phone ring.  I was convinced that I was going to destroy this man, because I was the white hot bitch, but I’d reached an age where that prospect didn’t appeal to me anymore.  I was 34.  I had chewed up and spit out nearly everyone that crossed my path and I was the boss lady, you know?  Hubs was a genuinely good man, a keeper.  His 20 year marriage had dissolved and he was already suffering.  So I broke it off quickly before things got too out of hand.  I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone…and I was, genuinely, a-ok with that.

Well, I told hubs all of the above and I got a little foreshadowing of his Scorpio temper.  He let me know instantly, and with venom, that he was a grown-ass man and he would appreciate it if I allowed HIM to decide what he could handle and what he could not.

Honestly, this was the first time that a man had stood up to me with a completely valid and reasonable argument.  He won that one…and I was shocked and offended…and more than a little turned on.

Long story slightly less long, I met my match.  In those first few years together, omg….we had some galactic-sized fights where all hell broke loose.  I’m not even joking, weirdos.  Most people would be appalled at the gang war that our fights degenerated into.  It’s no exaggeration when I say that shit got broken, including a couple of windows.  I was not used to backing down to anyone and neither was he.  It was a recipe for disaster.  But it has grown into an undying love and an iron-clad friendship that both of us cherish.  We rarely argue anymore because we both dread the earth-burning that we know will take place.  We’ve learned where each other’s buttons are and avoid them like the plague.  And not just because we’re scared…but because we do cherish our relationship and we know we both have the ability to destroy it at any given moment.

But don’t think that we walk on eggshells.  We mos def do not.  We dog each other and mock-fight all the time.  I’m sure our neighbors think we’ve lost our minds if they hear him yelling  ‘Am I ever gonna get to eat some food in this lifetime, bitch???’ Or me yelling ‘come get all these fucking tools off the kitchen table, mother fucker, or they’re going straight in the trash!!!’

We have fun.  I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything in the world.  It’s precious to me.  And it’s precious because we ACCEPT EACH OTHER JUST AS WE ARE.

SO. Number 2 thing I would tell young people having a hard time in relationships….if you CAN’T ACCEPT THEM JUST AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW….DROP THAT SHIT LIKE A HOT POTATO AND MOVE ON.

 

I’m sorry but it’s the truth.

Later on, sweet weirdos.

Rainbow Genetics

My hubs and I are really into genealogy.  We are both fascinated with the process of preserving our lineages for future generations and also simply untangling some baffling mysteries that crop up in most people’s ancestry.  The chances of you not actually being who you think you are are actually quite strong.

My great great grandfather, born in approximately 1822-25 is a good example.  My family surname, my maiden name, is most decidedly Irish.  My dad and the rest of our whole family is very proud of this name but honestly, that may not be our name at all.  You see, my great great grandfather (we’ll call him Collin) was illegitimate as well as several of his brothers and a sister…and possibly all of his siblings.  We know this because of newspaper articles of that time announcing when several of the children, including my ancestor, were placed with legal ‘guardians’ because their mother could not, or would not, care for them.  The article specifically states that my ancestor, and two brothers, were the illegitimate children of (Mother’s Name).  I placed the word ‘guardians’ in quotes because back at that time, when destitute children were placed with guardians, it was more or less indentured slavery…free labor for the guardians.

Anyway, this surname of our family…where did it come from?  Collin’s mother used this name but after painstaking research, no marriage records can be found for her that establish that she married a man with that surname.  So…was this name her maiden name and she gave it to her children who’d been born out of wedlock as well?  Was she actually, at one time, married to man with our last name who fathered our ancestor and the marriage documents were lost or destroyed?  She certainly never shows up on census records as living with anyone other than her children.  And we essentially have no clue where this strange and mysterious grandmother of ours came from or who her family actually was.

My husband has very similar circumstances in his own family tree.

So, thinking that some of the mystery might be solved through DNA analysis, we both had this done.  We had autosomal DNA kits shipped to us through Ancestry.com where we both maintain our trees.  Just as an aside, Ancestry’s DNA analysis is somewhat of the ‘Walmart’ of DNA tests.  However, it will get you started on your quests by, eventually, showing you genetic matches to others who’ve taken their tests and with whom you share an ancestor or ancestors.  You can then contact these people through the site…if they ever check their Ancestry messages.  It will also show you people to whom your DNA is connected that you may know nothing about.  They call these ‘Unknown Ancestors’.  I had my dad’s DNA done as well and he and both show large numbers of those previously ‘Unknown Ancestors’ with surnames that we are completely unfamiliar with.

So, if you plan to attempt to solve your own family mystery through Ancestry.com, please be advised that it’s not as simple as they make it sound.  It’s actually a major, mind-blowing headache.  If you try to trace one of these unknowns that show up, you essentially have to find this person in someone’s tree on Ancestry, painstakingly pore through all their descendants and their spouses, where they all lived for comparison to where members of your known family lived, etc, etc.  It’s really a bullshit process and I’m not kidding.  We both gave up on any attempt through DNA to solve our mysteries.

Also, if you’re excited to learn about your cultural heritage, Ancestry is just going to piss you off.  It certainly did us.  They’re DNA analysis of your ancestral heritage or ethnic background is so vague and non-specific that it’s literally worthless.  But there are ways to use your Ancestry DNA on another website to really dig into the tapestry of your ancestors’ origins.  More about this below.

My husband is an engineer and he is sooooo into the documentation and organization of his tree and he’s actually writing biographies for many of his ancestors!  Me?  I’m a lazy-ass, short-attention-span, ADD kind of person so let’s just say my tree is not even remotely as perfectly documented and organized as his.  The whole DNA thing fascinates me, though.

I was turned on to a website, http://www.gedmatch.com, which is truly amazing to me…and which my husband cares less than nothing about.  If you go to the DNA tab on Ancestry and click on ‘settings’, you will find a link to download your raw DNA file.  You can then go to GedMatch, upload your DNA, and within a day or two, you’ll have access to lots of very cool tools that will give you very specific and minute details about your heritage.

One feature I love is called ‘Phasing’.  If one of your parents are deceased, you can upload your raw DNA file and your living parent’s DNA file and this tool will reconstruct your deceased parent’s DNA.  This is based on what markers you actually received from your living parent and then what remains is used to reconstruct the deceased parent’s profile.  My mother died many years ago and this feature instantly appealed to me.

Im going to do a Part 2 for this post about the heritage features at GedMatch, and because what they revealed blew my mind and changed the way I think about myself and humanity in general.  In a good, good way.

You weirdos, you.

Bursting the Bubble & Surviving

When one first goes straight vegan, there’s a ‘pink cloud’ stage.  You’ve made a tremendous change in your life and, hopefully, in your heart.  For me, this was an overnight, immediate, full-on conversion and the feeling of being in control of my wayward self was intense and hugely satisfying.  I had accomplished something that only a year before had seemed like an impossible task.  In one fell swoop, I had changed the trajectory of my health, which was in a steady and rapid decline, and I’d brought my actions into alignment with what I’d always truly felt was right in my heart.

I’m only 5’3″ and have been slender and just naturally toned all my life until about 2012 when I suddenly ballooned up 150 lbs.  My blood pressure had risen to a constant 135/100.  My cholesterol had climbed to almost 250.  I had insomnia that plagued me and made me dread nighttime and the misery of trying to go to sleep and stay alseep.  I had constant, nagging headaches and terrible constipation all my life.  The list of small annoyances was almost endless and, of course, these types of little worries pile up and affect your mental state as well.  It’s hard to be mentally and emotionally stable when it feels like your body is falling apart.

Within the first two months of going whole-food based, 100% vegan, I dropped almost 30 lbs. like it was a sack of trash I’d been carrying around and decided to put down.  This was astonishing and remarkable to me!  I am not an exerciser so it can’t be attributed to an increase in activity level.

My blood pressure dropped, within a couple of months, to a sound and perfect 100/65.  I have not been back to a doctor to see what my cholesterol levels are now but my hub has and his dropped from 218 to 160.  Whoa.

The health benefits and the benefits to mental clarity are numerous but don’t get me wrong.  When people tell you that veganism will cure everything…well…that’s just not true.  We are human beings with bodies that are born to die.  Veganism can’t cure death.  It’s as simple as that.  But what veganism can do is make that life more fulfilling, happier and allow you to enjoy it without the ravages of early heart disease, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s Disease, etc.

But something that everyone needs to understand is that, unless you are surrounded by friends and family who are themselves vegan, you are going to eventually go through some periods of depression in this lifestyle.  I live in Texas and this is a place where people would literally build their houses out of meat if they could figure out how to do that.  I did not initially understand that what I perceived as one of my greatest personal accomplishments in this life had instantly turned me into a weirdo, a pariah.  I was automatically open to the most sarcastic and hurtful comments from normally pleasant people.  I was altogether and fundamentally different now from 99% of the population whose lives, apparently, revolve around the necessity of consuming butchered animal flesh.  And just like veganism is now a MAJOR part of how I identify myself, so is eating the flesh of a once-living creature a MAJOR part of how almost 99% of the people I interact with in my life identify themselves.  You wouldn’t think what someone chooses to eat or not eat would have any impact on relations between people.

It fucking does, yo.

Telling anyone that you don’t eat meat or that you’re vegan or an herbivore or even that you’re on a plant-based diet…it automatically sets up an image in the other person’s mind.  First of all, they feel immediately compelled to defend their own diet.  Because you’re judging them.  Secondly, they are so worried that you’re not healthy and not getting the nutrients you need to sustain your body.  Thirdly, and this chaps my ass big time, they think you live on eating salad.  Like the iceberg lettuce and tomato kind of salad that meat-eaters think is salad.  😑

Then, cheese and rice, I started dreading my hair…because it’s what I like and I think dreadlocks are beautiful and it suits who I am inside and out…and suddenly I’m from another fucking planet altogether.

All I want to know is, who makes up these GD rules we all have to abide by to be accepted as a human being?

Fact is, I remember years ago when I was young, I was thoroughly into those rules and enforced them with a vengeance.  That’s the great thing about getting old…and listen up young weirdos…getting old is AWESOME because I don’t have to give a fuck.  Nah nah.  Lol.  No, it seriously is a wonderful thing and I’ve said this so many times, it should rightly be my mantra.  I would not trade being 51 for being 21 or 31 or 41 even, for anything in this world.  I am getting more comfortable with who I really, naturally am and although I don’t love every aspect of my personality, I accept it if it cannot be changed.

And if you want to go vegan, you need to approach this frame of mind in your heart.  That you know and understand that you will be challenged.  That you know and understand that you are going to be in situations that make you feel like a pariah and completely alone.  You may even be mocked and laughed at, as my hubby was by certain of his northern midwest family the last time he went home to visit.  Just as an aside, I’m really proud of this man because several years ago he was home and everyone started going off on gay people and my beautiful, sweet-souled hubby stood up to all of them and told them he fully supported gay rights, gay marriage and every human being loving whom ever they chose to love and that God created us all exactly the way he wanted us to be.  I love that man so much.

Enduring these hardships is worth it.  You know, I don’t classify myself as a Christian nor do I identify with any religion.  My church is in my heart.  My relationship with my creator, and yeah…I believe whole-heartedly that I was created, is a direct one with no dogma involved.  I’ve met so many people now who are so locked into this have to go to church every time the doors open and they throw out some Jesus every few minutes when you talk to them and they are literally the worst people ever born in their day to day lives.  I’ve also met some truly good people who are regular church goers but even then, there’s something missing, something profound, in their understanding of what’s going on here, what’s important in life and what more might be required in their spiritual evolution than just robotically doing this one activity over and over and over again.  It seems elementary to me but to many people, they just don’t get it.  I’m digressing.

The point I wanted to make is that I have read the Bible along with most other ancient texts from many cultures.  And I keep what appears to me as truth.  Jesus says (paraphrasing here)  to make the two into one and the outside like inside and the inside like the outside.  In other words, be your authentic self.  Know yourself.  Be strong and kind in the face of criticism if you know that what you’re doing is the right thing for you.  Be kind to people that don’t understand…because they can’t help not understanding.  Be grateful that you are given this chance to understand how important this is because that understanding is a gift to you.  Another thing good ole Jesus says is to be strong in the face of persecution for my sake, and since I understand Jesus to exemplify being the authentic self, I understand that to mean remain true and strong when people criticize you for being who you were made to be and living up to the knowledge and understanding that’s been granted to you.  It’s a harder thing for young people to do.  But do it.  And you will be amazed at how life begins to conform itself to accommodate you in every way possible.

Be vegan, weirdos.  ❤❤❤

Abracadabra…POOF

Ok, weirdos.  We need to have a conversation about a topic that potentially affects MANY of us who love the outdoors and spending time in nature, the wilds.

There is something bizarre, and kind of fucking scary, happening in remote forests, boulder fields, high elevations in mountainous regions and even in people’s homes. This post is not based on a flight of fancy of my construction.  It’s based on very detailed, documented facts.  And in this day and time, it would also be deemed by many (only those who have not read the facts) as a hoax or a cobbling-together of cases to create the illusion of conspiracy.  And the study of these phenomena would, without a doubt, be classified as pseudo-science.

The wind began to be taken out of the sails of topics like this back in the 19th century when ‘science’ was dreamed up.  I’m being facetious.  Science and the true scientific method are above reproach in my book.

But that’s the issue.

True scientific method is a complete misnomer in relation to the way ‘science’ is practiced in our world today, most notably, in the US.  You don’t have to look very far or very wide to find the records of falsified research results, skewed results, completely bogus experiments and outright hoaxes that have been perpetuated by ‘scientists’, many of whom have been, and are, lauded by humanity as the former and current pinnacles of academia.  Furthermore, in our bullshit fascist United States (yes…fascist) where money is truly the only ‘god’ we know and understand, science is no longer pursued for the sake of knowledge and directing our evolution and thought processes toward the truth and what is right and good.  Scientists no longer struggle through the nights in their own dark, poor abodes in search of truth for truth’s sake.  No.  They struggle to acquire fucking multi-million dollar research grants and lucrative research positions from and with repulsively rich corporate entities who not only just want to sell some shit…they want to know how to manipulate our minds into buying that shit…scientifically.   It’s all about the money, baby, and they will make those results, and that white paper, say whatever they need to make it say for that money.  They will stoop as low as low as required including but not limited to torturing and murdering millions of animals in research projects, pouring highly destructive neurological-toxins into our water supply (fluoride), dreaming up new and frightening designer chemicals to make our lawns green or dessimate the insect life that lives there, conjuring up genetically altered seeds that make more money for them but have been shown to be horribly destructive to the human body.  The list of their atrocities never ends.

I’m not going to rant further about this at this point.  There is an abundance of information out there today for you to look into this yourself.

The reason I am opening this little brain blow-out of mine with that rant is because ‘science’ is getting nervous.  I have to tell you…I was a science junkie all my life.  Before I dropped out of college, I was a Biology major and I drank everything they were pouring.  I literally watched every mainstream documentary and read every mainstream book written by whatever ‘Neil DeGrasse Tyson’ person they were selling at the moment.

This ‘sucking at the great teat of consumer science’stopped several years ago and the reasons for that will be alluded to in this and other posts in this category.  But let me end this part of the post by saying that I’m not the only marginally intelligent person to give science the finger.  I still subscribe to several scientific newsletters just to keep up with the fresh garbage they’re spewing at the moment and the tone of their emails is changing rapidly.  Now, instead of blathering on about finding a new form of light, which won’t feed the starving children in the world or keep me from murdering someone in a traffic jam, they’re beginning to regularly send out articles about how to reign in the herd of ‘stupid’ people who are, in their words, chasing after bullshit pseudo-scientific theories instead of listening to ‘smart’ people like them who are BONA FIDE.

🙄

But yeah, the masses are beginning to lose interest in the guano that science gives us on a daily basis.  Why?  Because literally nothing the majority of them come up with after spending trillions of dollars on their dumb projects, enhances or affects our lives in any way, shape or form.  More importantly, their stupid discoveries or inventions never, ever help alleviate or improve the sufferings of human beings or progress them on the path of growth and enlightenment.  You tell me…how does it help you or improve your life in any way to know that there is an ‘earth-like’ planet 2 million (or whatever) light years away?  It doesn’t.  In fact, if it helped anyone, it would help a corporate entity who decided to mine there or the government who might, 300 years from now, decide to colonize it.  Even then, it wouldn’t be you or me who colonized that place.  It would be disgustingly rich people who could buy their way there.  ‘Science’ and its produce is not for us.  We are simply the fuel to make the ‘science’ for them.

Do you know what does affect us?  Documented cases of potentially hundreds of people simply vanishing from the face of the earth, in every country, under the most bizarre of circumstances…for hundreds of years.

I can’t abide ridiculous theories with no basis in fact and evidence that I can see, experience and understand.  That’s why I am drawn so strongly to this topic…because there simply are no truly relevant theories that can explain these disappearances.  But the facts and the inexplicable nature of these people simply vanishing, many times from the immediate presence of other people, are rock solid, highly documented…and simply mind-boggling.

I was turned on to this topic by hearing about a book series called ‘Missing 411’ by David Paulides.  I have to say, at first I was very skeptical about the nature of the book.  Too many times, I’ve had books and authors recommended to me that, frankly, were just full of shit. I don’t have time to read wild speculations and fantastical theories about reptoids and aliens and military moon bases.  I’m just not into that when there is literally not one shred of solid, concrete evidence to support it.  Notice that I’m not saying ‘none of that shit exists’ because I don’t know that.  I’m just saying that because I’ve never seen a reptilian or an alien and I haven’t flown my rocket-ship (which I cobbled together from some lawn mower and VCR parts and which runs on bio-fuel) to the moon and actually laid eyes on the military bases that are alleged to be there, I am not interested.  No proof.

These cases are astonishing because there IS highly detailed documentation about the circumstances under which these people have vanished.  There are sometimes multiple police reports, reports from search and rescue personnel, bystanders, National Park Service reports and newspaper articles.   And then there is the documented physical evidence which, shockingly, is very consistent from case to case.

I know, I know.  All those reasonings and rationales that are flying through your mind right now were flying through mine as well.  Since most of these disappearances (at least the ones in first 4 books) take place in very wild and remote areas, and especially in National Parks, the first thing that comes to mind is they just got lost, or they fell off a cliff, or they were attacked by a wild animal and eaten, or they were sick somehow and just roamed off and died.

Not so.

In the cases that Mr. Paulides focuses on, the indicators of any of these scenarios (and literally any others that you may dream up) are completely absent.  In the case of getting lost, FLIR-(forward looking infrared radiometer) equipped helicopters exist and are used by search and rescue and would pick up a heat signature from a living or recently deceased person.  In the case of a deceased person whose body has been out in the elements for awhile and can’t be picked up by FLIR, cadaver-sniffing dogs can find them…but not in these cases.  Bloodhounds or scent dogs are an almost infallible way to locate people, living or dead…but in these cases, either the dogs refuse to track or they can’t find a scent even if the person was known to be in a certain area only hours before.  If you’re hiking, even in a very remote area, and become lost and die…something of your possessions should be found.  Your backpack, your supplies, your shoes, your clothing.  In so many of these cases, people have disappeared in relatively open areas and nothing is ever found of the person.  Ever.  If you fall off a cliff, your body and possessions should be found at the base of the cliff.  You may say ‘Well, an animal dragged the body off and consumed it.’  There should be physical indicators of that, human DNA or clothing in scat, drag marks, bone found with teeth markings, etc.  The whole ‘a bear ate him’ doesn’t work either if the person was alive.  There’d be a major scene of violence including blood, tissue, torn clothing…plus, I think if someone in a group of hikers was suddenly snatched by a bear, he might scream, right?  Nothing like this takes place.

I’m not going to go into this much further because if you have an interest, and honestly weirdos, we all need to know the facts of these cases and the dangers that exist in the wilds, you need to go to the website, http://www.canammissing.com, and purchase these books and read the evidences and facts surrounding these disappearances yourself.  I have nothing to do with the author of these books and am receiving NO compensation for recommending them, whatsoever.  This is a true mystery that true ‘science’ needs to look into and that everyone of us need to be aware of.  Many of these victims are children and if you’re a parent, it would behoove you to know that they may be in significant danger in our Natuonal Parks and in wild and remote regions anywhere in the world.

THESE are the mysteries that the science community should focus on.  When you read these books, you will understand that something inexplicable is afoot in these cases and there are literally thousands of them.  You also need to know, and Mr. Paulides does an exceptional job of relating to you, that the National Park Service is not your friend when it comes to advising you of the dangers to you and your families in the areas that they oversee.  They insist that they DO NOT keep a database or list of the people who’ve gone missing in their parks…and as I said….there are thousands of these cases.  Why would there be no list of persons who’ve disappeared in their parks???  If a body is eventually found, wouldnt a list kept by the NPS assist in identification?  ‘Oh yeah, this lady so-and-so disappeared from a trail in 1980 near that location where the remains were found’.  Duh.  You will understand, after reading the first book or two, that it actually seems like the NPS is participating in a massive cover-up, of sorts.  This doesn’t imply that they are involved in the disappearances…there’s no evidence of that whatsoever.  But it does imply that they do not want us to know of the very real, yet unknown/unidentified, danger that exists within the bounds, and in the surrounding areas of, the parks that they oversee.

I would love to hear comments from people who’ve read the books and anyone else who has a thought to share on this issue.

Later, weirdos.

Into the Fantasm or How I Escaped Reality or Six Hours in Somewhere Land

I want to preface this post with the statement that everything described below is entirely fictitious.  I am not condoning, nor do I recommend the consumption/use of consciousness-altering (expanding) substances.  🤘🏼😘🍄

Yesterday, at the age of 51, I had my very first psychedelic experience.

I grew up in the 70’s and early 80’s and although I partook of my share of various substances that were readily available back then…weed, quaaludes, Valium, hash…I was actually a fairly straight kid considering my environment and that era.  It’s difficult to describe the mid to late 70’s in rural Georgia.  Something weird was happening in our culture during that time.  The 60’s, with its idealism and big dreams had gone down in the flames of too many drugs, the idea that one had to be wasted 24 hours a day to be real.  Everything that the older generation held sacred was supposed to be chucked in favor of complete abandon and submission to every human carnal drive and desire.  A movement that started out in a noble direction with high ideals was and is rumored to have been covertly subverted by the very intentional diversion of these powerful young people into complete debauchery through the vast overuse of consciousness-altering substances.  In other words, covert factions of the gov killed that movement by overdose.  These are not stupid people in control.

The 70’s were weird because I, and every kid I knew, was smoking weed at the age of 13.  Our family units were falling apart as women tired of being virtual slaves to their families with no identity, no self, other than wife and mother.  Divorce, something so taboo previously that it was rarely even spoken of and ‘divorcees’ were shunned women, was starting to happen everywhere in record numbers.  The creepy institution of swinging came into fashion along with cocaine and numerous other, dreadfully destructive laboratory-created drugs.  Parents, who on decades prior, had dedicated themselves, however unhappily, to maintaining the family glue and keeping the family on a straight course, suddenly did not give a shit in the 70’s.  I think of the 70’s as a time when parents stopped being parents and decided not to grow up…and we kids basically raised ourselves. I’m speaking generally here about my and my friends’ situation.  Obviously there were exceptions.

But regardless of the prevalence and easy availability of all manner of drugs, even as a young kid I was wary of psychedelics.  When I was 14 years old, my friends and I had walked downtown to stand around outside the only theater in town, a dilapidated and smelly old building called The Grand.  As we stood outside in the shadows, smoking cigarettes and being little hoodlums, a girl, Lisa, who was a couple of years ahead of me in school came out of nowhere, tearing down the middle of the street, right on the yellow lines, with cars honking and swerving to miss her.  I will never forget the look of horror on her face as she literally screamed at the top of her lungs, oblivious to the cars that almost ran her over.  I learned later that she had been tripping on PCP, or angel dust, and that someone had finally called an ambulance to come pick her up.

Another traumatizing incident occurred at our house that we lived in at the time.  It was in town but on a side street with a moderate amount of both foot and vehicle traffic.  We were inside and suddenly someone was at our front door, banging frantically and obviously in great distress.  She was screaming and crying and it terrified me because it sounded like she was trying to get away from something.  My dad went outside immediately and sat with her on the porch steps.  My mother called the police because we had no idea what was happening to this girl, who wasn’t much older than me.  I can’t remember what drug it was determined that she’d taken but I do remember it was a psychedelic and I have no doubt that it was a lab drug.

All these experiences worked together to frighten me away from A N Y T H I N G that could cause that kind of craziness.

Fast forward.  Six months ago.  I have already mentioned in previous posts that our family suffered a great and terrible tragedy 4 years ago.  Frankly, nothing that happens for the rest of my life will hurt me, destroy me, like that event did.  I’ve never gotten over it and whereas with other, previous hurts and heartbreaks and trauma, the pain eased with time, this…well, this just seems to slowly grow in its intensity.  I cannot get past it.  I cannot accept it.  My sorrow and sadness over this is omnipresent everywhere I am and in every situation.  Everything I see reminds me, every song, every word anyone says.  It’s definitely PSD and something has to be done.

So I started looking into alternative methods of treating this syndrome, this prison of sorrow I’m locked into.  The subject of magic mushrooms came up in my research immediately.  I bought books, I watched eleven million YouTube videos, and satisfied myself that this was safe and worth a try.

So yesterday was the day.

I was very thorough in planning my set and setting.  I was in a relaxed and comfortable mood, had some beautiful Native American flute and drum music (I seriously considered dubstep but decided that miiiiiiiight be a bad idea for the first time), earplugs, eye mask, bottles of water, had fasted all day to avoid nausea, did a little praying to my ancestors and my creator, ate the mushrooms (which people say taste awful but were actually pretty damned tasty…but we love eating all mushrooms all the time soooooo) at 4:00 pm.  I donned my mask and lay down on our comfortable couch next to my best bud and soulmate who was acting as my sitter.

After 15 minutes…well….nothing much was going on.  We have a hot tub and thinking ahead before I’d started that it might be relaxing and enjoyable to experience that during my trip, I’d warmed up the water.  So 20 minutes in as my body was beginning to feel strangely bouncy and a little electrified, we cast off our clothes and made our way outside into the sunshine and slipped into the water.  The sky was beautifully blue with wispy, sylphic clouds hovering above us.  We are lucky enough to have some huge, old oak trees standing in our backyard and their dark, bare branches against the blue of that sky seemed surreal and fantastic and more beautiful than I’d ever seen it.

But wait…wasn’t the psychedelic experience  supposed to be more than all the regular shit just looking more beautiful and precious than normal?  Wasn’t normal supposed to stop and wasn’t something else supposed to take over?  As I sat in the pleasantly churning warm water and pondered this thought, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye.  I thought it was a squirrel on our neighbor’s roof.  But there was no squirrel.  It was the cedar shingles roof that was moving.  Gently, like a quiet waterfall, the shingles were flowing downward along the sharp incline of the roof, some fast, some slow but all flowing in a lovely, textured stream down to the gutters.  It was an incredible sight.

I am, and always have been, a cloud-watcher.  They’ve always been mysterious and beautiful to me and frankly, I’ve always seen things in the clouds that others just don’t seem to see.  I won’t go into that here but as I turned my attention from my neighbor’s flowing stream of a roof, the clouds caught my eye.  Moments before I’d glanced up at the sky and they’d been suspended almost motionless above me, splayed out in their wispy patterns.  Now, they were constantly moving and morphing and there appeared to be water between me and them.  As I looked closer, that’s exactly what it was…it appeared that I was looking up at the clouds as though I were underwater, as in an enormous, gently rippling pond or lake and the clouds were in a sky suspended above that water.  I was f’ing astounded at this!  All of this so mind-blowing and fascinating that there is no way to describe the absolute joy I was feeling at the time.  I felt that I had been transported back to my childhood when wonder and fascination with everything in my surroundings had seemed to permeate every moment.  I was giggling and giddy and kept saying ‘whaaaaat???’, ‘what the fuck is happening right now?’, and ‘baby, you can’t believe what I’m seeing right now’.

I had not lost contact with my rational mind at all because I was talking to my hub about how this was even possible.  How could my mind fabricate something this damned real and so different from how it was normally perceived?  By what process can a simple mushroom, a naturally occurring fungus, alter my perception of reality to such a degree that it’s still the world I know…but which is now operating in a vastly, profoundly different and unique manner?  In fact, during this entire trip, it was clear and obvious to me that my brain had literally NOTHING to do with any of this.  I was overwhelmed the entire time with the awareness that my brain had one function…to keep my heart beating time, to keep my lungs expanding and taking in air, to keep my blood flowing and my physical construction doing its thing…but that this…this view that I was enjoying was entirely unconnected to that ugly lump of gray meat.

Ok, my fingers are tired so I’ll go on with this later.  I’ll just end by saying I now see why people everywhere in all walks of life have stated that this kind of experience was one of the most profound events of their lives.  For me, and I’ve heard others say this, the realization that my mind actually could NOT manufacture this kind of conscious, waking visual data, this kind of minutely detailed visual experience, that hit me like a ton of bricks. In the face.  If that experience is possible, and I have much more to relate to you about it, then the true nature of this world is more mysterious and complicated and MAGICAL than many of us realize.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, weirdos.

 

 

 

Scumbag Loser

There’s an internet talk show that I listen to a lot.  Their topics are wacky and off-the-wall and I really enjoy the diversion.  There’s something that’s bothering me, though, and I’m not sure if I should write the guys or just stop listening.

As an example, on a recent show they were talking about heroin addicts and specifically, Phillip Seymour  Hoffman’s death.  One of the guys related an experience of having to go to the emergency room for some kind of painful condition I can’t remember and they gave him dilaudid.  He said he could totally understand, just by that one dose, how people could get locked into the dragon chase and give up everything for it.  They briefly discussed Hoffman’s celebrity status, etc. and commented on how some very well-standing people had been captured by these kinds of addictions.

And then one of the guys said, “Yeah, it’s not like we’re talking about some scumbag lying on the sidewalk.”

Within this one verbal interaction between these two guys, both of whom seem like they’d be very okay kinds of people if one met them, is contained two of the most disgusting aspects of the general mentality of this country, Amurica.

Number one…the assumption that because Phillip Seymour Hoffman was obviously wealthy, and a celebrity…that this awful thing just kind of happened to him.  He was just a normal everyday Joe who accidentally stepped into the pothole of heroin addiction and got stuck.  Poor guy.  It made them sad, they said.

Number two…the assumption that that scumbag lying on the sidewalk is in ANY WAY different than Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

In fact, they are both just human beings who had/have something, some kind of hunger, inside them that cannot be satisfied.  It’s never about the drug.  Take it from someone who knows.

This language, this conditioned way of speaking about our brothers and sisters on this planet is just repulsive to me.  The way we speak and the words and phrases we choose to use do matter.  While in some other, much less fortunate countries, the people are obliged to help those less fortunate, in this country, most people actually want legislation to imprison them.  It has only been a year or so since I aggressively ended a ‘friendship’ with a very financially stable woman who’d never worked a day in her life (her husband has a very lucrative job and her parents are very wealthy) was alcoholic and addicted to muscle relaxers and Fox News, who told me flat out she didn’t want to give what was hers to freeloaders.  

This is not a loving country.  This is not, despite what right-wingers love to tell themselves, a ‘godly’ country.  This country’s values, more and more, seem to me more what they’d call ‘demonic’ and soulless with every year that goes by.  Even the Bible, in the Old Testament, it states that food should be left in the field for the poor and the owners were prohibited from collecting that part.  In the New Testament, Yeshua himself tells people if they want to do what is ultimately right, they will sell everything they own and give it to the poor.  How many right-wing people who call themselves christians can we imagine doing that today?  The sad fact is that most christians today have never even read that book that they imply is the foundation of their beliefs.  And for those of us who truly want to help our brothers and sisters, who want this to be a loving and welcoming and caregiving country, this is maddening.

This country and its purported ideals are nothing more than hypocritical propaganda of the most nefarious sort.

So what do I do about the two guys who just obviously have no clue about the true nature of their off hand remarks?

I don’t have an answer.  I wish I did.

Abiquiu or Bust…

Sooo….

Our casita in Taos can only accommodate 2 people, no exceptions.  And since we’ve decided to take our 8 year old granddaughter on this trip with us, we had to scramble to make new plans.  After a long night of checking out AirBnB, HomeAway, etc. we finally found the PERFECT little casita in Abiquiu with the most mind-boggling 360 degree view imaginable!

Yes, it costs more but this location,the views, the HOT TUB, the horses, llamas, alpacas, donkeys and dogs on the property, the closer proximity to all the ancient ruins and places we want to take our granddaughter…plus the fact that the owner of the casita is vegan and is going to stock vegan food items for us…this has turned out to be a real boon.

Things happen for a reason, weirdos.

That’s something that has taken me 50 long years to accept.  Challenges, obstacles, even downright life-destroying events…there is something different, something valuable down the new path that you’re, sometimes violently, forced to take.

With our own family tragedy, it’s still hard for me to accept this and I don’t think about it that way.  I don’t like contemplating the idea that this terrible event caused me to be a better person.

But the fact is, it did.

The unfortunate truth is that sometimes, life exacts horrendous sufferings upon us and these sufferings have the power, unequaled by any other, happier circumstance, to transform us for the better.  It sucks.  But it’s true.

Anyway, we’re counting the seconds until go time.  We haven’t had a getaway in quite a while and just so you know, I’m keeping my eye out for the Hairy Man in New Mexico.  I have no clue if he’s real.  But if he is, I definitely want to know.  If you’re judging me right now, you should stop because you’re watching too much tv and letting other people do your thinking.  Just knock it off and let your mind be open.  Because once you latch yourself onto a belief of ANY kind, the information flow stops.  Your brain shuts out anything, no matter how concrete and evidentiary it may be, that conflicts with what you think you know.  And frankly, none of us know very much.

Have a great Super Bowl day, weirdos!