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Scorpio AF #1

Sex and death. Death and mystery. And sex. And secrets. And sex.

Yawn.

I am constantly annoyed by every article or video regarding Scorpio because they seem to all be generated from a single, common, very generalized, source. And you cannot generalize with Scorpio. It seems to me that these people who write those articles and produce those videos have actually never known a Scorpio or perhaps, only one, during their entire lives. They just read some bullshit astrology book and parrot that crap like it’s gospel.

Let me state that I am not an astrologer. I am, even now, studying and trying to get a grip on this extremely complicated and very deep subject. But if I know anything, I know Scorpios. I’m surrounded by them.

Scary prospect, right?

But not really. My own Moon is in Scorpio, which actually can be quite scary to many people. I admit to being a very intimidating person when I was young. And I can still be if that is called for. But the Moon has some profound lessons in its plan for people with a Scorpio moon placement. This intimidation factor very quickly begins to evolve into an understanding that one is actually not the epitome of perfection dealing with the ignorance of the rest of the entire human race, but rather a stellar example of a major asshole with a power complex and very little self-awareness. This understanding usually begins to rear its horrible head during our Saturn Return and it can be crippling for a time.

As I’ve stated before, my long-time soulmate is a Scorpio sun/Cancer moon/Scorpio Mercury. My son has his Venus in Scorpio. His life partner has Scorpio rising. My husband’s brother is a Scorpio sun as well as his wife. My father-in-law was a Scorpio sun. My maternal grandmother was a Scorpio sun. My stepmother is a Scorpio sun. And my next door neighbor and good friend is a Scorpio sun as well. One of my best friends in the world that I worked with for years was a Scorpio sun.

And every one of them is essentially unlike the rest.

My hubs fascinates me, though. Even after all this time, and now that we’re getting older and wrinklier, he’s just as sexy and appealing to me today as he was almost 17 years ago. I’d never met anyone like him and I can clearly remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I’ve never been very forthcoming in letting anyone know right up front that I’m attracted to them. I want to know what I’m getting into. And when I met my husband, I didn’t want to get into anything. I’d had too many absolutely disastrous relationships to want more. I had made up my mind that I could, and would spend the rest of my life single. The universe operates in astonishing and unexpected ways. It’s almost as if as soon as I clearly resolved in my mind that I COULD be alone and realized that I was actually enjoying living on my own terms in my own, possibly dysfunctional, but authentic way…this gorgeous man walked by. And little did I know that my life would never be the same.

He was very tall, dark and handsome. He had earrings. He had shoulder-length, curly hair. He had a goatee. He had tattoos. He rode a Harley. He was quiet pushing silent. And there was that Mona Lisa smile like something nice and interesting was going on in that mind of his.

I was a flirt then and, I realize now, I flirted in a very Scorpionic way. I asked lots of provocative questions and diverted or evaded questions about me. I did then, and still do, dislike anyone openly flirting with me or asking me lots of questions. It’s an instant turn-off. Partly because it’s telling. If they’re flirting with me, they’re flirting with everyone. Yes, double-standard. But Scorpionic people live by double standards to a certain degree. Also, it’s expected. Everyone flirts so when someone comes along who doesn’t, it was extremely interesting and attractive to me.

Hubs didn’t flirt. In fact, he hardly spoke to me. I could read everyone but here was a man that gave off no signals, had a perfect poker face…and I could not get a bead on him. This really peaked my interest because this was something new. I have to admit that at first, this was simply a little diversion. I had had my fill of men, dating and that whole game. Every relationship was doomed, in my opinion then, based on my past experience. Either it ended disastrously or people lived their lives with someone they couldn’t stand, much less love. I wasn’t going down that road again.

Enter Scorpio. Stage left, of course. 🙄

We met at work and one day he actually spoke to me. After all my lurid flirtations and innuendo, to which he’d only respond with that half smile and those sleepy, black eyes, he asked me if I’d give him a ride home. His ride was in the shop.

Scorpios are honest. They may evade telling the truth, or skew it in such a manner as to mitigate consequences…but their nature is honesty. When I let him off in his driveway and I sat in my car making small talk with him, he suddenly said ‘I really want to kiss you right now’. I was caught off guard. Nothing in his demeanor so far had given me any indication that he was interested. NOTHING. And although I was intrigued, I didn’t know this man and a kiss seemed entirely inappropriate at that moment and I told him so…gently.

The next week, he rode his big Harley to work and when we got off work, he asked me if I’d like to go for a ride. It was early April and at night it was still pretty chilly and I only had a small, thin jacket. We started out and, not knowing that this big bike was unlike the dirt bikes I’d ridden as a kid where falling off the back was a distinct possibility, I put my arms around his waist. Just a couple of miles down the road, he did something that will be forever burned into my psyche as one of the most important and singular events in my entire life. He cupped his free hand over mine, only barely touching me so as not to imply anything romantic such as hand holding. He cupped his hand so gently over mine…simply to keep my hands warm.

Sounds silly, right? No one…and I do mean NO ONE…had ever done anything so kind, so thoughtful, so quietly compassionate for me in my entire life. That simple gesture moved me in ways that I was completely unfamiliar with.

It was to be about three weeks later when we finally had a truly romantic encounter. Yes, I was quickly becoming fascinated. But I was not sold. He grabbed on to me with everything he had but the defenses of a Scorpio Moon person are nearly limitless, especially after they’ve been hurt to the core…repeatedly. Talk about getting stung by Scorpio….dealing with a moon in Scorpio can be like getting strapped into an electric chair and I’m not joking. I ignored quite a few of his calls simply because I didn’t want him to think he ‘had’ me.

He knew what was going on. But he also knew what he wanted and I’ll never forget the day when he laid out his selling points like he was a damned good Buick, more than worthy of a test drive. It was a rather lengthy conversation but the statement I remember the clearest was that ‘I know how to love a woman and take care of her the right way’. He made it clear that he wasn’t bragging…it was just a fact. Wow.

I had to smile when he said that. Something about him was so damned sweet, so confident, so sure of himself. He said so little that these statements carried huge weight with me. But I was not looking to be ‘taken care of’. Allowing someone that kind of control and power over me was not appealing and about a week later, I tried to let him down easy. I truly liked this man…a lot. But my opinion of myself was that he was just too good for me. I would utterly destroy this man and his well laid out life. Everywhere I went, I left that trail of destruction in my wake. I had reached that point in life where I was actually considering someone else’s feelings and I was beginning to understand the part that I had played in the failures of my past. I didn’t think that I could give this man the love that he so obviously deserved and needed. And I laid all these things out for him as clearly as I could. At this point, I did care for him. But I wanted to save him from myself and his ultimate destruction.

Well, that was a big, freaking mistake. I wrote this all to him in an email. I got a reply almost instantly and it was withering. He told me, in a way that left no room for misunderstanding, that he was a grown ass man who could decide for himself what he could handle and what he couldn’t. He didn’t need me to ‘save him’ and he certainly didn’t appreciate my taking what was CLEARLY his choice out of his hands. He would appreciate my allowing him to make his own decisions about his own life, thank you very much. If I didn’t want to see him anymore, fine. Say that. Don’t make out like I was doing him a solid because he was too stupid to know what he was getting into.

I think that maaaaaay have been the moment that I fell for this man. He was not a pushover. He respected himself and he made intelligent, coherent decisions and statements that actually made damned good sense. He was boss and I really liked that. Because I was boss, too. Every man I’d been involved with to that date had been soft and insecure and completely unable to defend themselves against me. In romantic relationships, as in all relationships, if I didn’t feel a clear source of worthy and respectable power and direction, I’d step in and take the helm. I’m not going to be led around by the nose. I have always trusted myself more than anyone else…except my Scorpio. I’d trust this man with my life, the lives of my children, and everything I have because I know he’ll care for it all as much as I do. And he’s the only person I trust to do it better than I could.

Lions & Tigers & Scorpio Moons. Oh my.

I see you.  I know you.

People born with the moon in Scorpio have super powers.  This isn’t bragging.  It’s just the truth.  The most powerful one, for me at least, is being able to see the general character and psychological makeup of everyone I meet.  If I meet you, and get to spend more than 10 minutes with you, I will know you.  Chances are I’ll know your secret pain, what its source is.  I’ll know if you’re benevolent or vengeful even if you’ve learned to hide it well.  I’ll know if you’re real or shallow and empty.  I’ll know if you’re experienced and wise or blissfully immature.  Particularly bothersome to my own psyche, I can ‘feel’ those very negative, malevolent energies that Christians might call ‘demons’ and psychologists might refer to as personality disorders or more serious mental illnesses such as psychopathy.  I feel these heavy, distressing energies even if the person doesn’t speak at all.  I can also feel a calm, an inner warmth, when I’m with someone whose psyche and temperament is in sync with my own and these are the people with whom I feel most at peace.  Virtually without exception, these people are Scorpio, Capricorn, Cancer, Gemini and Leo suns, depending on the layout of the other planets in their chart.

Most importantly, I’ll know if you’re lying.  About anything.  I may not know exactly what your truth is to the letter (however many times I do) but I’ll know that what you’re saying isn’t it.

From the sound of this, one might think these are pretty sweet abilities to possess.  You’d be wrong.  I think most, if not all, Scorpio Moon people are actually empaths and from my own perspective, this is not an enviable state of being.  Try being a sponge for a day or two.  You’re nice and clean and feeling fine until you find yourself lying on a counter covered with spilled ketchup, food particles, coffee drips, caustic chemicals.  There’s nothing you can do to preserve your own pristine cleanliness because you were created to absorb.  You’d absorb everything that you came into contact with and alien things would cling to you whether you wanted it or not.  It literally takes a lifetime to first learn that this is what’s happening to you and then to learn how to mitigate its impact on you.  I believe Scorpio moons have the reputation of being emotional nutcases because many times, they’re dealing with the woes of the outside world in addition to their own on a very physical and emotional level.

I’m going to talk about the Scorpio Moon from my own personal perspective because it’s just bullshit trying to weed through the commentary about this placement from other, usually completely incompatible, signs who read a chart and surmise what our traits should be.  I sort of like hearing what other signs have to say about their own compatibilities or inharmonious dealings with Scorpio Moon.  But I cannot tolerate having anyone tell me who I am.

And that’s trait #1

There is so much that’s hidden within me, I’m not sure there’s a person on earth, other than my Scorpio Sun/Cancer Moon husband, that truly knows me.  Unlike some descriptions of SM, I don’t hide things because I’m being disingenuous or trying to deceive anyone.  There simply are not words that exist to describe most of the thoughts, emotions and feelings that go on in my mind and heart.  I tried many times when I was younger and what comes out sounds pale and shallow and not good enough and, at worst, it comes out sounding glib and cheesy.  To my own ears, anyway.  When I speak about certain things that I feel or think that I’m very passionate about, deep-seated issues, they sound somehow disrespected and minimalized.  To me, some things are inviolably sacred.  To a mature SM, the ‘secrets’ that some say we love to keep are simply sacred things whose value to us should not be diminished, like the name of god, by speaking it.

On the other hand, yes, there are times we may keep secrets from people we do not want to hurt or to keep the peace within a potentially volatile situation.  But we are straight-forward and truthful people and have no problem speaking our mind if we feel you can handle it…or if it will help in some way.  But this is also one of the debilitating features of this moon placement.  Most people can’t handle what SM has to say nor what they feel.  So precious few people are allowed to get close enough to glimpse the full character of a Scorpio Moon.  Their tragic experiences in life begin early and inform their emotions until the day they die.  Everything matters, all is important and colder, airier, superficial signs find it frightening and ‘too much’ for them to handle.  The simple fact is, these types of signs have usually not dealt with a fraction of the catastrophic life events that Scorpio Moons endure.  One of these much-less-than-ideal scenarios will probably begin at birth.

The mother factor.

And that’s trait #2

Yes, we frequently drive people away with the sheer intensity of our thoughts, emotions, opinions, likes and dislikes.  Especially when SM is young, life can be pure chaos.  The debilitated mother situation is mentioned frequently with regard to SM and was certainly the case with me.  My Leo mother’s schizophrenia began to manifest when I was 6 or 7 years old and possibly even earlier.  I see no point in describing the terrifying aspects of this illness but Schizophrenia combined with a strong Leo sun meant that as a child, I had no self other than in relation to my mother.  She was aggressively, angrily controlling and critical when I was young but this transformed into clinging fear and childlike behavior as her sense of reality eroded and suicidal actions increased over the years.  I was her mother.  And probably not a very good one because I was absolutely filled with resentment at her illness, that I had no mother, that I spent large amounts of time being shuffled between aunts and uncles while she was in a mental institution.  I was angry for her that her life was ruined.  I was angry at god for doing this to us.  And then she died very suddenly at the age of only 51.

Yes, there were mother issues.

Ok, these kinds of revelations are draining and I intended to cover at least 5 traits but I’m going to have to take a break.  Plus, honestly, I feel I’ve said too much and I’m repelled by the idea that some of you might feel sorry for me.  One thing that I want to make clear to everyone about the moon sign of Scorpio…those of us who were born under this sign are absolutely, without exception, able to handle it.  In some ways, we handle the chaos and heartbreak and personal tragedies that we are dealt in this life better than a Scorpio sun would do.  Scorpio is fixed and in many ways, unbendable, but SMs have no choice but to flex and sway with the gales and strive on.

More to come….

 

 

 

Dark, Aloof, Hilarious and Sex Personified…SCORPIO 😈

I’m getting back into astrology lately, a subject that I have ALWAYS been fascinated with. And I don’t even understand why.  It’s been a lifelong interest and if you had to give me a by-line by which I might be summed up…it would be ‘what’s your birthday?’.

I don’t remember exact birthdays a lot of the time, except for our kids and close family and friends.  But I guarantee you that if I know your sign, even if we’ve only met once, I’ll never forget it.  It’s a weird thing.

And I’ve developed my own set of theories, and likes and dislikes, associated with each sign, as have most people with an interest, I’m sure.  Some of these ‘opinions’ are purely subjective and only related to my own interactions with people in each of the signs.  And frankly, there are all the other planets and their aspects and locations at the time of our birth that really do impact largely on how we present ourselves to the world and how we actually feel on the inside where people rarely see.  So a SCORPIO to one person might just be a scorpio to another.

I can’t imagine that, frankly.  Because all Scorpios should be capitalized.  They deserve this because they are, without a doubt, the rockstars of the zodiac in my book.  And no.  I’m not a Scorpio.  But my moon is in Scorpio and I think that’s where my complete admiration for, and total compatibility with, this sign originates from.  I understand them.

I need to be a little more specific here.  I am compatible with Scorpio males.  Although you will never hear me criticize a Scorpio female, we do develop issues with one another after too long of an interaction.  My experience with Scorpio females, and this includes my maternal grandmother, is that they talk.  And talk.  And talk some more.  I’ve had lots of interactions with them and this trait ‘appears’ universal with the exception of my stepmom who is very feminine, demure and doesn’t share a lot of information unless directly questioned…and like many Scorpios, directly questioning them about certain topics is an easy way to make them distrust you and turn them off instantly.

Scorpio females are awesome, hardworking, thoroughly dedicated individuals.  And they like to share information but it seems to me that it’s only a particular sort.  The sort that has literally nothing to do with them and is more along the lines of trivia.  They’re not gossips but they like to talk about all the events in the lives of their family and friends.  Which implies, correctly I must say, that although you’ll know less than nothing about them, they will know EVERYTHING about you and they will go to any lengths to know it.  This applies to both males and females.

Family is highly important to literally all Scorpios and if you meet one that’s kinda screwed up and bordering on insane/scary, there’s probably some kind of break with, or major f-up in, their family life.  This sign is deeply, deeply attached to the people they love and their home/home life.

My grandmother loved the daylights out of her entire family, with the exception of my granddad.  I’m pretty sure she would’ve loved to kill him.  And she never stopped talking about the family, friends and people that we didn’t even know.  She was a Texan and I can still hear the way she’d start off her running dialogue about the latest escapades of 75 different friends or family members.

‘Naw…Eileen and her husband, Willy, drove down to Desoto to see their neighbor’s son last weekend. You remember him.  Named Hubert but they call him Hub.  He’s working for the electric company down there now.  I think he’s one of them that climbs the poles.  His wife went to school with Addie May but I think they were a couple of years apart.  But naw…he had a fishing boat for sale and they drove down to see it.  I haven’t heard from Eileen about whether they bought the boat or not.  It had been sitting out behind Hub’s house for years and weeds and all had grown up around it, he told Eileen anyway.  He’s trying to get his house ready to sell and needs to clean his yard up.  Speaking of which, the Diaz family down by Rogers Rd are selling that old house they’ve lived in for 50 years and……’

It just never stopped.  And I loved it.  But I never truly knew my grandma in an intimate way.  I never knew how she felt about anything, except despising my granddad, and I never knew what any of her beliefs about life and the world were.

My grandma called pants ‘paints’.  😊

But as an adult, and with Scorpio women who are not my beloved grandma, this talk grates on my nerves.  All conversations I’ve ever had with a Scorpio female have left me feeling ‘talked at’.  And two of my greatest pet peeves is for someone to ramble on about people I’ve never met in my life and small talk.  I like two way conversations where we both show an interest in one another’s lives and activities.  I love deep, philosophical conversations and ‘meeting of minds’ types of interactions…or nothing at all.  But with a Scorpio woman, she’s going to expect you to take the initiative and talk back AT her.  I believe, in her mind, she’s freely sharing her information and perhaps waiting for me to do the same.  But I’m not that way to just start yakking about the new furniture my neighbors, whom this woman I’m speaking with doesn’t even know, just bought for their patio.  I’m not going to start reeling off the dates of marriage of my entire ancestry back to the 13th century.  Scorpio women are highly intelligent and have an awe-inspiring capacity for total recall of endless details and, like beautiful Virgo, they’re gonna share.  Virgo shares information of a highly intellectual nature, so high in fact, that literally no one else in the room can relate.  As a ‘for instance’, I was once at a raging, wild party when I was younger and a Virgo female lured me into the basement to talk about the linguistic characteristics of the Hebrew language.  She even got on the computer so she could explain to me the exact meanings behind the shapes of each letter.  Virgo is wonderfully intelligent and I love them so much and I have to say that even this type of hardcore, unapproachable banter is worlds more interesting to me than what some Scorpio women choose to talk about.  But again, don’t think I don’t respect and admire these women.  This type of mind-numbing discourse is a diversion technique.  They’re keeping you safely away from the ‘good stuff’.  Which is all I’m ever interested in.  And after 10 minutes my eyeballs have rotated 180 degrees toward the back of my skull and I’m drooling.

But let me tell you, this woman GETS SHIT DONE.  The capable, well-adjusted ones fill their days from daybreak to bedtime with organization, errands, preparing meals, taking care of kids, keeping a spotless house all while working at an actual PROFESSION.

My moon is in Scorpio but a Scorpio sun woman leaves my Sagittarius ass in the DIRT when it comes to keeping their life on an orderly and progressive path.  While they’re ruling the world, I’m on a float in the pool with a beer and a cigarette wondering if the clouds are actually living beings.  Meanwhile there are 4 laundry baskets of clothes waiting at home to be folded.  For the last two weeks.

My experience with Scorpio males is quite different, indeed.  My soulmate, the absolute love of my life for the last 17 years, is a classic, tall, very dark, very handsome true Scorpio.  Our initial ‘getting together’ was like two galaxies colliding.  Violent and frightening and potentially bloody with lots of planet-sized sparks.

As a Sagittarius with a Scorpio moon, I was used to being ‘the boss lady’ in relationships.  It’s just a simple fact that I rarely encountered males that I could like, much less respect, in relationships because I was just more capable.  I joke about myself being lazy, and since meeting my Scorpio that’s definitely the case (refer to the pool statement above…accurate) since he’s made it his life’s mission to make the latter part of my life easy and care-free.  But I started working when I was 14 and never had a break, especially during many years of single motherhood and I could work circles around anyone, anywhere.  My stamina was legendary.

And him, being a Scorpio, well….c’mon.  There is no boss like the BOSS, right?

So, when we met and started dating, I (oh…so incorrectly) assumed that this man was like any other.  I could steam roll him with my powerful opinions and know-it-all attitude.  Sagittarius actually can cram a lot of information into our skulls.  And many times we are right in our opinions.  But when non-evolved, there’s this little habit of ramming it down people’s throats with a broom handle and bullying people to get our point across.

And that makes us one of the biggest assholes of the zodiac.

Combine that with a Scorpio moon temper and I’m surprised I didn’t burn the world down when I was younger.

Despite the initial cosmic meltdowns that we had (and all the windows that had to be replaced and walls that had to be patched…you think I’m joking, don’t you?), we both knew within that first year that this was a lifetime relationship.  A forever kind of deal.  And the biggest reason for this is that we both knew right away that we had both met our match.  I understood his uncontrollable temper because my temper was out of control.  I accepted his darkness because he accepted mine.  And although when people are around us, they may see the light-hearted, jovial, friendly connection between us, our relationship is a living, breathing, spiritual entity that binds us.  For me, this rock-solid security is like heaven.  I’m home.

Scorpio Part Deux coming up

 

 

 

Roses smell like old people and violets make me sneeze….

I really hate television.  Even so, my slightly better half loves it.  This can be an awkward dichotomy but we somehow compromise and make it work.  This usually involves me going to read in the bathtub or putting in my earbuds to listen to music or, more likely, ruining it for him by bitching about every stupid thing they say or do.  There are a few shows, like The Mick, that I truly enjoy.  But, for the most part, tv makes my ass hurt.

But last night, I somehow wound up halfway watching an episode of New Girl with the hub.  By the way, if you ever find yourself yearning to plunge a railroad spike into your ears repeatedly and need some inspiration…listen to the opening theme of New Girl.  Omg.

So, this Jess girl and her roommate/boyfriend, Nick, break up.   And it’s pretty clear why.  Somewhere in the argument they have, Jess tells Nick that she just wishes he could be more responsible.

Not cool, bitch.

The whole fucking show is decidedly not cool but come on.  Let’s talk about this ‘I just wish….’ scenario with regard to relationships, ok?  It’s common with young people, who still believe the world was created to mold itself to their own, personal desires, to hook up with the first hot freebie, or just the first anything that comes along and shows interest.

Don’t worry…no judgement.  I did it, too.  Believe it or not, I was young and sparkly-eyed once.  That’s over and good riddance, weirdos.  I needed my ass kicked, and got it, for making other human beings into a kind of renovation project, and myself into project manager.  But Jeez Louise…you see it everywhere and I’m here to tell you, you’re DOOMED if this is taking place in your relationship.  Believe me when I say, you were not put here to change anyone except yourself, friends.  The sooner you start focusing on what is wrong with you, the sooner you’re going to find happiness.

If I could tell you one thing, just one, that would virtually guarantee success in a relationship…make absolutely certain that the person you choose to be with is exactly what you would choose for them to be from the moment you meet them.

It’s really as simple as that.  What makes this difficult for young people is that they have no clue yet what it is that they really want.  They don’t even know themselves most of the time.  Young people are still developing and growing and learning.  It’s like trying to buy clothes for a toddler…they outgrow that shit in 15 minutes, yo.  I’ll be honest with you.  At the age of 51, I feel like I could never have been the girl that I was at the age of 25.  That time and that girl feel like dreams that I can only vaguely recall now and then.

That girl was a white hot bitch, people.  That girl thought that everyone existed for her benefit.  That girl thought she had a good bead on what was wrong with other people and what they needed to change about themselves.  That girl never spent two hot minutes looking in a mirror except to admire her own superiority…and it took tortures and sufferings, rejections and abandonments, loneliness and shame…and finally acceptance…to get it through my thick, fucking skull that other people have the right to be exactly who they were created to be.  And the bright side of this whole painful epiphany?  You have the right to be exactly who you were created to be as well.  But first, you have to focus on yourself and what needs to be upgraded before you start saying ‘this is who I am and I’m not changing’.  Hell no.  Change yourself.  Be forever open to change because within the acceptance of change, there is a mysterious gift awaiting.

When I met the hubs, it was epic.  I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on him.  I’d always dated people that I thought my dad would approve of.  Lol.  Neat haircut, neat appearance, traditional values.  And I couldn’t stand them.  Hubs was totally different.  He had long, wavy, dark hair, a goatee, earrings and tattoos.  Annnnnd….he was 6’3″ and dark-skinned and rode a Harley.  It wasn’t love at first sight but lust was absolutely involved.  Our relationship almost didn’t happen, honestly.  In spite of his formidable appearance, my babe is sweet and gentle and attentive and caring…all characteristics that I associated with ‘clinginess’.  I still remember that he tried calling me every day in the beginning and I’d see his number come up on caller ID and I’d think ‘why the fuck is he calling me AGAIN?  I just talked to him yesterday!’  And I’d just let the phone ring.  I was convinced that I was going to destroy this man, because I was the white hot bitch, but I’d reached an age where that prospect didn’t appeal to me anymore.  I was 34.  I had chewed up and spit out nearly everyone that crossed my path and I was the boss lady, you know?  Hubs was a genuinely good man, a keeper.  His 20 year marriage had dissolved and he was already suffering.  So I broke it off quickly before things got too out of hand.  I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone…and I was, genuinely, a-ok with that.

Well, I told hubs all of the above and I got a little foreshadowing of his Scorpio temper.  He let me know instantly, and with venom, that he was a grown-ass man and he would appreciate it if I allowed HIM to decide what he could handle and what he could not.

Honestly, this was the first time that a man had stood up to me with a completely valid and reasonable argument.  He won that one…and I was shocked and offended…and more than a little turned on.

Long story slightly less long, I met my match.  In those first few years together, omg….we had some galactic-sized fights where all hell broke loose.  I’m not even joking, weirdos.  Most people would be appalled at the gang war that our fights degenerated into.  It’s no exaggeration when I say that shit got broken, including a couple of windows.  I was not used to backing down to anyone and neither was he.  It was a recipe for disaster.  But it has grown into an undying love and an iron-clad friendship that both of us cherish.  We rarely argue anymore because we both dread the earth-burning that we know will take place.  We’ve learned where each other’s buttons are and avoid them like the plague.  And not just because we’re scared…but because we do cherish our relationship and we know we both have the ability to destroy it at any given moment.

But don’t think that we walk on eggshells.  We mos def do not.  We dog each other and mock-fight all the time.  I’m sure our neighbors think we’ve lost our minds if they hear him yelling  ‘Am I ever gonna get to eat some food in this lifetime, bitch???’ Or me yelling ‘come get all these fucking tools off the kitchen table, mother fucker, or they’re going straight in the trash!!!’

We have fun.  I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything in the world.  It’s precious to me.  And it’s precious because we ACCEPT EACH OTHER JUST AS WE ARE.

SO. Number 2 thing I would tell young people having a hard time in relationships….if you CAN’T ACCEPT THEM JUST AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW….DROP THAT SHIT LIKE A HOT POTATO AND MOVE ON.

 

I’m sorry but it’s the truth.

Later on, sweet weirdos.

Rainbow Genetics

My hubs and I are really into genealogy.  We are both fascinated with the process of preserving our lineages for future generations and also simply untangling some baffling mysteries that crop up in most people’s ancestry.  The chances of you not actually being who you think you are are actually quite strong.

My great great grandfather, born in approximately 1822-25 is a good example.  My family surname, my maiden name, is most decidedly Irish.  My dad and the rest of our whole family is very proud of this name but honestly, that may not be our name at all.  You see, my great great grandfather (we’ll call him Collin) was illegitimate as well as several of his brothers and a sister…and possibly all of his siblings.  We know this because of newspaper articles of that time announcing when several of the children, including my ancestor, were placed with legal ‘guardians’ because their mother could not, or would not, care for them.  The article specifically states that my ancestor, and two brothers, were the illegitimate children of (Mother’s Name).  I placed the word ‘guardians’ in quotes because back at that time, when destitute children were placed with guardians, it was more or less indentured slavery…free labor for the guardians.

Anyway, this surname of our family…where did it come from?  Collin’s mother used this name but after painstaking research, no marriage records can be found for her that establish that she married a man with that surname.  So…was this name her maiden name and she gave it to her children who’d been born out of wedlock as well?  Was she actually, at one time, married to man with our last name who fathered our ancestor and the marriage documents were lost or destroyed?  She certainly never shows up on census records as living with anyone other than her children.  And we essentially have no clue where this strange and mysterious grandmother of ours came from or who her family actually was.

My husband has very similar circumstances in his own family tree.

So, thinking that some of the mystery might be solved through DNA analysis, we both had this done.  We had autosomal DNA kits shipped to us through Ancestry.com where we both maintain our trees.  Just as an aside, Ancestry’s DNA analysis is somewhat of the ‘Walmart’ of DNA tests.  However, it will get you started on your quests by, eventually, showing you genetic matches to others who’ve taken their tests and with whom you share an ancestor or ancestors.  You can then contact these people through the site…if they ever check their Ancestry messages.  It will also show you people to whom your DNA is connected that you may know nothing about.  They call these ‘Unknown Ancestors’.  I had my dad’s DNA done as well and he and both show large numbers of those previously ‘Unknown Ancestors’ with surnames that we are completely unfamiliar with.

So, if you plan to attempt to solve your own family mystery through Ancestry.com, please be advised that it’s not as simple as they make it sound.  It’s actually a major, mind-blowing headache.  If you try to trace one of these unknowns that show up, you essentially have to find this person in someone’s tree on Ancestry, painstakingly pore through all their descendants and their spouses, where they all lived for comparison to where members of your known family lived, etc, etc.  It’s really a bullshit process and I’m not kidding.  We both gave up on any attempt through DNA to solve our mysteries.

Also, if you’re excited to learn about your cultural heritage, Ancestry is just going to piss you off.  It certainly did us.  They’re DNA analysis of your ancestral heritage or ethnic background is so vague and non-specific that it’s literally worthless.  But there are ways to use your Ancestry DNA on another website to really dig into the tapestry of your ancestors’ origins.  More about this below.

My husband is an engineer and he is sooooo into the documentation and organization of his tree and he’s actually writing biographies for many of his ancestors!  Me?  I’m a lazy-ass, short-attention-span, ADD kind of person so let’s just say my tree is not even remotely as perfectly documented and organized as his.  The whole DNA thing fascinates me, though.

I was turned on to a website, http://www.gedmatch.com, which is truly amazing to me…and which my husband cares less than nothing about.  If you go to the DNA tab on Ancestry and click on ‘settings’, you will find a link to download your raw DNA file.  You can then go to GedMatch, upload your DNA, and within a day or two, you’ll have access to lots of very cool tools that will give you very specific and minute details about your heritage.

One feature I love is called ‘Phasing’.  If one of your parents are deceased, you can upload your raw DNA file and your living parent’s DNA file and this tool will reconstruct your deceased parent’s DNA.  This is based on what markers you actually received from your living parent and then what remains is used to reconstruct the deceased parent’s profile.  My mother died many years ago and this feature instantly appealed to me.

Im going to do a Part 2 for this post about the heritage features at GedMatch, and because what they revealed blew my mind and changed the way I think about myself and humanity in general.  In a good, good way.

You weirdos, you.

Bursting the Bubble & Surviving

When one first goes straight vegan, there’s a ‘pink cloud’ stage.  You’ve made a tremendous change in your life and, hopefully, in your heart.  For me, this was an overnight, immediate, full-on conversion and the feeling of being in control of my wayward self was intense and hugely satisfying.  I had accomplished something that only a year before had seemed like an impossible task.  In one fell swoop, I had changed the trajectory of my health, which was in a steady and rapid decline, and I’d brought my actions into alignment with what I’d always truly felt was right in my heart.

I’m only 5’3″ and have been slender and just naturally toned all my life until about 2012 when I suddenly ballooned up 150 lbs.  My blood pressure had risen to a constant 135/100.  My cholesterol had climbed to almost 250.  I had insomnia that plagued me and made me dread nighttime and the misery of trying to go to sleep and stay alseep.  I had constant, nagging headaches and terrible constipation all my life.  The list of small annoyances was almost endless and, of course, these types of little worries pile up and affect your mental state as well.  It’s hard to be mentally and emotionally stable when it feels like your body is falling apart.

Within the first two months of going whole-food based, 100% vegan, I dropped almost 30 lbs. like it was a sack of trash I’d been carrying around and decided to put down.  This was astonishing and remarkable to me!  I am not an exerciser so it can’t be attributed to an increase in activity level.

My blood pressure dropped, within a couple of months, to a sound and perfect 100/65.  I have not been back to a doctor to see what my cholesterol levels are now but my hub has and his dropped from 218 to 160.  Whoa.

The health benefits and the benefits to mental clarity are numerous but don’t get me wrong.  When people tell you that veganism will cure everything…well…that’s just not true.  We are human beings with bodies that are born to die.  Veganism can’t cure death.  It’s as simple as that.  But what veganism can do is make that life more fulfilling, happier and allow you to enjoy it without the ravages of early heart disease, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s Disease, etc.

But something that everyone needs to understand is that, unless you are surrounded by friends and family who are themselves vegan, you are going to eventually go through some periods of depression in this lifestyle.  I live in Texas and this is a place where people would literally build their houses out of meat if they could figure out how to do that.  I did not initially understand that what I perceived as one of my greatest personal accomplishments in this life had instantly turned me into a weirdo, a pariah.  I was automatically open to the most sarcastic and hurtful comments from normally pleasant people.  I was altogether and fundamentally different now from 99% of the population whose lives, apparently, revolve around the necessity of consuming butchered animal flesh.  And just like veganism is now a MAJOR part of how I identify myself, so is eating the flesh of a once-living creature a MAJOR part of how almost 99% of the people I interact with in my life identify themselves.  You wouldn’t think what someone chooses to eat or not eat would have any impact on relations between people.

It fucking does, yo.

Telling anyone that you don’t eat meat or that you’re vegan or an herbivore or even that you’re on a plant-based diet…it automatically sets up an image in the other person’s mind.  First of all, they feel immediately compelled to defend their own diet.  Because you’re judging them.  Secondly, they are so worried that you’re not healthy and not getting the nutrients you need to sustain your body.  Thirdly, and this chaps my ass big time, they think you live on eating salad.  Like the iceberg lettuce and tomato kind of salad that meat-eaters think is salad.  😑

Then, cheese and rice, I started dreading my hair…because it’s what I like and I think dreadlocks are beautiful and it suits who I am inside and out…and suddenly I’m from another fucking planet altogether.

All I want to know is, who makes up these GD rules we all have to abide by to be accepted as a human being?

Fact is, I remember years ago when I was young, I was thoroughly into those rules and enforced them with a vengeance.  That’s the great thing about getting old…and listen up young weirdos…getting old is AWESOME because I don’t have to give a fuck.  Nah nah.  Lol.  No, it seriously is a wonderful thing and I’ve said this so many times, it should rightly be my mantra.  I would not trade being 51 for being 21 or 31 or 41 even, for anything in this world.  I am getting more comfortable with who I really, naturally am and although I don’t love every aspect of my personality, I accept it if it cannot be changed.

And if you want to go vegan, you need to approach this frame of mind in your heart.  That you know and understand that you will be challenged.  That you know and understand that you are going to be in situations that make you feel like a pariah and completely alone.  You may even be mocked and laughed at, as my hubby was by certain of his northern midwest family the last time he went home to visit.  Just as an aside, I’m really proud of this man because several years ago he was home and everyone started going off on gay people and my beautiful, sweet-souled hubby stood up to all of them and told them he fully supported gay rights, gay marriage and every human being loving whom ever they chose to love and that God created us all exactly the way he wanted us to be.  I love that man so much.

Enduring these hardships is worth it.  You know, I don’t classify myself as a Christian nor do I identify with any religion.  My church is in my heart.  My relationship with my creator, and yeah…I believe whole-heartedly that I was created, is a direct one with no dogma involved.  I’ve met so many people now who are so locked into this have to go to church every time the doors open and they throw out some Jesus every few minutes when you talk to them and they are literally the worst people ever born in their day to day lives.  I’ve also met some truly good people who are regular church goers but even then, there’s something missing, something profound, in their understanding of what’s going on here, what’s important in life and what more might be required in their spiritual evolution than just robotically doing this one activity over and over and over again.  It seems elementary to me but to many people, they just don’t get it.  I’m digressing.

The point I wanted to make is that I have read the Bible along with most other ancient texts from many cultures.  And I keep what appears to me as truth.  Jesus says (paraphrasing here)  to make the two into one and the outside like inside and the inside like the outside.  In other words, be your authentic self.  Know yourself.  Be strong and kind in the face of criticism if you know that what you’re doing is the right thing for you.  Be kind to people that don’t understand…because they can’t help not understanding.  Be grateful that you are given this chance to understand how important this is because that understanding is a gift to you.  Another thing good ole Jesus says is to be strong in the face of persecution for my sake, and since I understand Jesus to exemplify being the authentic self, I understand that to mean remain true and strong when people criticize you for being who you were made to be and living up to the knowledge and understanding that’s been granted to you.  It’s a harder thing for young people to do.  But do it.  And you will be amazed at how life begins to conform itself to accommodate you in every way possible.

Be vegan, weirdos.  ❤❤❤

Abracadabra…POOF

Ok, weirdos.  We need to have a conversation about a topic that potentially affects MANY of us who love the outdoors and spending time in nature, the wilds.

There is something bizarre, and kind of fucking scary, happening in remote forests, boulder fields, high elevations in mountainous regions and even in people’s homes. This post is not based on a flight of fancy of my construction.  It’s based on very detailed, documented facts.  And in this day and time, it would also be deemed by many (only those who have not read the facts) as a hoax or a cobbling-together of cases to create the illusion of conspiracy.  And the study of these phenomena would, without a doubt, be classified as pseudo-science.

The wind began to be taken out of the sails of topics like this back in the 19th century when ‘science’ was dreamed up.  I’m being facetious.  Science and the true scientific method are above reproach in my book.

But that’s the issue.

True scientific method is a complete misnomer in relation to the way ‘science’ is practiced in our world today, most notably, in the US.  You don’t have to look very far or very wide to find the records of falsified research results, skewed results, completely bogus experiments and outright hoaxes that have been perpetuated by ‘scientists’, many of whom have been, and are, lauded by humanity as the former and current pinnacles of academia.  Furthermore, in our bullshit fascist United States (yes…fascist) where money is truly the only ‘god’ we know and understand, science is no longer pursued for the sake of knowledge and directing our evolution and thought processes toward the truth and what is right and good.  Scientists no longer struggle through the nights in their own dark, poor abodes in search of truth for truth’s sake.  No.  They struggle to acquire fucking multi-million dollar research grants and lucrative research positions from and with repulsively rich corporate entities who not only just want to sell some shit…they want to know how to manipulate our minds into buying that shit…scientifically.   It’s all about the money, baby, and they will make those results, and that white paper, say whatever they need to make it say for that money.  They will stoop as low as low as required including but not limited to torturing and murdering millions of animals in research projects, pouring highly destructive neurological-toxins into our water supply (fluoride), dreaming up new and frightening designer chemicals to make our lawns green or dessimate the insect life that lives there, conjuring up genetically altered seeds that make more money for them but have been shown to be horribly destructive to the human body.  The list of their atrocities never ends.

I’m not going to rant further about this at this point.  There is an abundance of information out there today for you to look into this yourself.

The reason I am opening this little brain blow-out of mine with that rant is because ‘science’ is getting nervous.  I have to tell you…I was a science junkie all my life.  Before I dropped out of college, I was a Biology major and I drank everything they were pouring.  I literally watched every mainstream documentary and read every mainstream book written by whatever ‘Neil DeGrasse Tyson’ person they were selling at the moment.

This ‘sucking at the great teat of consumer science’stopped several years ago and the reasons for that will be alluded to in this and other posts in this category.  But let me end this part of the post by saying that I’m not the only marginally intelligent person to give science the finger.  I still subscribe to several scientific newsletters just to keep up with the fresh garbage they’re spewing at the moment and the tone of their emails is changing rapidly.  Now, instead of blathering on about finding a new form of light, which won’t feed the starving children in the world or keep me from murdering someone in a traffic jam, they’re beginning to regularly send out articles about how to reign in the herd of ‘stupid’ people who are, in their words, chasing after bullshit pseudo-scientific theories instead of listening to ‘smart’ people like them who are BONA FIDE.

🙄

But yeah, the masses are beginning to lose interest in the guano that science gives us on a daily basis.  Why?  Because literally nothing the majority of them come up with after spending trillions of dollars on their dumb projects, enhances or affects our lives in any way, shape or form.  More importantly, their stupid discoveries or inventions never, ever help alleviate or improve the sufferings of human beings or progress them on the path of growth and enlightenment.  You tell me…how does it help you or improve your life in any way to know that there is an ‘earth-like’ planet 2 million (or whatever) light years away?  It doesn’t.  In fact, if it helped anyone, it would help a corporate entity who decided to mine there or the government who might, 300 years from now, decide to colonize it.  Even then, it wouldn’t be you or me who colonized that place.  It would be disgustingly rich people who could buy their way there.  ‘Science’ and its produce is not for us.  We are simply the fuel to make the ‘science’ for them.

Do you know what does affect us?  Documented cases of potentially hundreds of people simply vanishing from the face of the earth, in every country, under the most bizarre of circumstances…for hundreds of years.

I can’t abide ridiculous theories with no basis in fact and evidence that I can see, experience and understand.  That’s why I am drawn so strongly to this topic…because there simply are no truly relevant theories that can explain these disappearances.  But the facts and the inexplicable nature of these people simply vanishing, many times from the immediate presence of other people, are rock solid, highly documented…and simply mind-boggling.

I was turned on to this topic by hearing about a book series called ‘Missing 411’ by David Paulides.  I have to say, at first I was very skeptical about the nature of the book.  Too many times, I’ve had books and authors recommended to me that, frankly, were just full of shit. I don’t have time to read wild speculations and fantastical theories about reptoids and aliens and military moon bases.  I’m just not into that when there is literally not one shred of solid, concrete evidence to support it.  Notice that I’m not saying ‘none of that shit exists’ because I don’t know that.  I’m just saying that because I’ve never seen a reptilian or an alien and I haven’t flown my rocket-ship (which I cobbled together from some lawn mower and VCR parts and which runs on bio-fuel) to the moon and actually laid eyes on the military bases that are alleged to be there, I am not interested.  No proof.

These cases are astonishing because there IS highly detailed documentation about the circumstances under which these people have vanished.  There are sometimes multiple police reports, reports from search and rescue personnel, bystanders, National Park Service reports and newspaper articles.   And then there is the documented physical evidence which, shockingly, is very consistent from case to case.

I know, I know.  All those reasonings and rationales that are flying through your mind right now were flying through mine as well.  Since most of these disappearances (at least the ones in first 4 books) take place in very wild and remote areas, and especially in National Parks, the first thing that comes to mind is they just got lost, or they fell off a cliff, or they were attacked by a wild animal and eaten, or they were sick somehow and just roamed off and died.

Not so.

In the cases that Mr. Paulides focuses on, the indicators of any of these scenarios (and literally any others that you may dream up) are completely absent.  In the case of getting lost, FLIR-(forward looking infrared radiometer) equipped helicopters exist and are used by search and rescue and would pick up a heat signature from a living or recently deceased person.  In the case of a deceased person whose body has been out in the elements for awhile and can’t be picked up by FLIR, cadaver-sniffing dogs can find them…but not in these cases.  Bloodhounds or scent dogs are an almost infallible way to locate people, living or dead…but in these cases, either the dogs refuse to track or they can’t find a scent even if the person was known to be in a certain area only hours before.  If you’re hiking, even in a very remote area, and become lost and die…something of your possessions should be found.  Your backpack, your supplies, your shoes, your clothing.  In so many of these cases, people have disappeared in relatively open areas and nothing is ever found of the person.  Ever.  If you fall off a cliff, your body and possessions should be found at the base of the cliff.  You may say ‘Well, an animal dragged the body off and consumed it.’  There should be physical indicators of that, human DNA or clothing in scat, drag marks, bone found with teeth markings, etc.  The whole ‘a bear ate him’ doesn’t work either if the person was alive.  There’d be a major scene of violence including blood, tissue, torn clothing…plus, I think if someone in a group of hikers was suddenly snatched by a bear, he might scream, right?  Nothing like this takes place.

I’m not going to go into this much further because if you have an interest, and honestly weirdos, we all need to know the facts of these cases and the dangers that exist in the wilds, you need to go to the website, http://www.canammissing.com, and purchase these books and read the evidences and facts surrounding these disappearances yourself.  I have nothing to do with the author of these books and am receiving NO compensation for recommending them, whatsoever.  This is a true mystery that true ‘science’ needs to look into and that everyone of us need to be aware of.  Many of these victims are children and if you’re a parent, it would behoove you to know that they may be in significant danger in our Natuonal Parks and in wild and remote regions anywhere in the world.

THESE are the mysteries that the science community should focus on.  When you read these books, you will understand that something inexplicable is afoot in these cases and there are literally thousands of them.  You also need to know, and Mr. Paulides does an exceptional job of relating to you, that the National Park Service is not your friend when it comes to advising you of the dangers to you and your families in the areas that they oversee.  They insist that they DO NOT keep a database or list of the people who’ve gone missing in their parks…and as I said….there are thousands of these cases.  Why would there be no list of persons who’ve disappeared in their parks???  If a body is eventually found, wouldnt a list kept by the NPS assist in identification?  ‘Oh yeah, this lady so-and-so disappeared from a trail in 1980 near that location where the remains were found’.  Duh.  You will understand, after reading the first book or two, that it actually seems like the NPS is participating in a massive cover-up, of sorts.  This doesn’t imply that they are involved in the disappearances…there’s no evidence of that whatsoever.  But it does imply that they do not want us to know of the very real, yet unknown/unidentified, danger that exists within the bounds, and in the surrounding areas of, the parks that they oversee.

I would love to hear comments from people who’ve read the books and anyone else who has a thought to share on this issue.

Later, weirdos.