I really hate television. Even so, my slightly better half loves it. This can be an awkward dichotomy but we somehow compromise and make it work. This usually involves me going to read in the bathtub or putting in my earbuds to listen to music or, more likely, ruining it for him by bitching about every stupid thing they say or do. There are a few shows, like The Mick, that I truly enjoy. But, for the most part, tv makes my ass hurt.
But last night, I somehow wound up halfway watching an episode of New Girl with the hub. By the way, if you ever find yourself yearning to plunge a railroad spike into your ears repeatedly and need some inspiration…listen to the opening theme of New Girl. Omg.
So, this Jess girl and her roommate/boyfriend, Nick, break up. And it’s pretty clear why. Somewhere in the argument they have, Jess tells Nick that she just wishes he could be more responsible.
Not cool, bitch.
The whole fucking show is decidedly not cool but come on. Let’s talk about this ‘I just wish….’ scenario with regard to relationships, ok? It’s common with young people, who still believe the world was created to mold itself to their own, personal desires, to hook up with the first hot freebie, or just the first anything that comes along and shows interest.
Don’t worry…no judgement. I did it, too. Believe it or not, I was young and sparkly-eyed once. That’s over and good riddance, weirdos. I needed my ass kicked, and got it, for making other human beings into a kind of renovation project, and myself into project manager. But Jeez Louise…you see it everywhere and I’m here to tell you, you’re DOOMED if this is taking place in your relationship. Believe me when I say, you were not put here to change anyone except yourself, friends. The sooner you start focusing on what is wrong with you, the sooner you’re going to find happiness.
If I could tell you one thing, just one, that would virtually guarantee success in a relationship…make absolutely certain that the person you choose to be with is exactly what you would choose for them to be from the moment you meet them.
It’s really as simple as that. What makes this difficult for young people is that they have no clue yet what it is that they really want. They don’t even know themselves most of the time. Young people are still developing and growing and learning. It’s like trying to buy clothes for a toddler…they outgrow that shit in 15 minutes, yo. I’ll be honest with you. At the age of 51, I feel like I could never have been the girl that I was at the age of 25. That time and that girl feel like dreams that I can only vaguely recall now and then.
That girl was a white hot bitch, people. That girl thought that everyone existed for her benefit. That girl thought she had a good bead on what was wrong with other people and what they needed to change about themselves. That girl never spent two hot minutes looking in a mirror except to admire her own superiority…and it took tortures and sufferings, rejections and abandonments, loneliness and shame…and finally acceptance…to get it through my thick, fucking skull that other people have the right to be exactly who they were created to be. And the bright side of this whole painful epiphany? You have the right to be exactly who you were created to be as well. But first, you have to focus on yourself and what needs to be upgraded before you start saying ‘this is who I am and I’m not changing’. Hell no. Change yourself. Be forever open to change because within the acceptance of change, there is a mysterious gift awaiting.
When I met the hubs, it was epic. I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on him. I’d always dated people that I thought my dad would approve of. Lol. Neat haircut, neat appearance, traditional values. And I couldn’t stand them. Hubs was totally different. He had long, wavy, dark hair, a goatee, earrings and tattoos. Annnnnd….he was 6’3″ and dark-skinned and rode a Harley. It wasn’t love at first sight but lust was absolutely involved. Our relationship almost didn’t happen, honestly. In spite of his formidable appearance, my babe is sweet and gentle and attentive and caring…all characteristics that I associated with ‘clinginess’. I still remember that he tried calling me every day in the beginning and I’d see his number come up on caller ID and I’d think ‘why the fuck is he calling me AGAIN? I just talked to him yesterday!’ And I’d just let the phone ring. I was convinced that I was going to destroy this man, because I was the white hot bitch, but I’d reached an age where that prospect didn’t appeal to me anymore. I was 34. I had chewed up and spit out nearly everyone that crossed my path and I was the boss lady, you know? Hubs was a genuinely good man, a keeper. His 20 year marriage had dissolved and he was already suffering. So I broke it off quickly before things got too out of hand. I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone…and I was, genuinely, a-ok with that.
Well, I told hubs all of the above and I got a little foreshadowing of his Scorpio temper. He let me know instantly, and with venom, that he was a grown-ass man and he would appreciate it if I allowed HIM to decide what he could handle and what he could not.
Honestly, this was the first time that a man had stood up to me with a completely valid and reasonable argument. He won that one…and I was shocked and offended…and more than a little turned on.
Long story slightly less long, I met my match. In those first few years together, omg….we had some galactic-sized fights where all hell broke loose. I’m not even joking, weirdos. Most people would be appalled at the gang war that our fights degenerated into. It’s no exaggeration when I say that shit got broken, including a couple of windows. I was not used to backing down to anyone and neither was he. It was a recipe for disaster. But it has grown into an undying love and an iron-clad friendship that both of us cherish. We rarely argue anymore because we both dread the earth-burning that we know will take place. We’ve learned where each other’s buttons are and avoid them like the plague. And not just because we’re scared…but because we do cherish our relationship and we know we both have the ability to destroy it at any given moment.
But don’t think that we walk on eggshells. We mos def do not. We dog each other and mock-fight all the time. I’m sure our neighbors think we’ve lost our minds if they hear him yelling ‘Am I ever gonna get to eat some food in this lifetime, bitch???’ Or me yelling ‘come get all these fucking tools off the kitchen table, mother fucker, or they’re going straight in the trash!!!’
We have fun. I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything in the world. It’s precious to me. And it’s precious because we ACCEPT EACH OTHER JUST AS WE ARE.
SO. Number 2 thing I would tell young people having a hard time in relationships….if you CAN’T ACCEPT THEM JUST AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW….DROP THAT SHIT LIKE A HOT POTATO AND MOVE ON.
I’m sorry but it’s the truth.
Later on, sweet weirdos.